It's been four years almost to the date. In the final days of September 2010, I was 17 weeks pregnant with our third child. Or so I thought. The bleeding was the first indication that something was completely wrong. I rushed to the hospital and called my husband, who was, at that moment, over 1,000 miles away.
My mom and I sat and waited for me to be taken back for an ultrasound. When the kid finally came to wheel me back, there was a growing feeling of foreboding in my chest. I knew.
The ultrasound tech said very little and at one point turned the screen so I couldn't see it. I'm sure she was trying to shield my emotions, or perhaps she just didn't know how to handle the dread she may have felt for me. Avoidance is always easier.
When the doctor entered the triage room with a woeful expression, I knew my fears were about to be confirmed. Spontaneous abortion, miscarriage, fetal demise. All of these terms were used at different moments as the reality that I'd lost the baby was explained to me. It turned out, the baby had been gone for 2 weeks already. This explained why, when I'd been sitting near the fireplace a week before and rubbing my stomach, I'd noted that I hadn't felt much activity. A week before, we'd also toured a castle that was nestled between New York and Canada. I'd taken the elevator because of cramps.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I know so many women who have lost pregnancies, some who have suffered still births, and others who have lost the baby they'd already had the privilege to hold. We discovered, a couple weeks after my 4 day hospital stay, that our baby was a girl. We named her Hannah Grace Teague. The names Hannah and Grace both carry a meaning of 'favor'. I wanted to name a daughter this for forever. First Abigail, which is the name of our first daughter, then I wanted a Hannah. The day I found out our baby had been a girl, that dream came true.
I write this to
you, women familiar with suffering. The loss of a baby at any stage in his or her life is a mark of suffering. In time, God has healed our gapping wound, but the scar will always be there and there will always be a part of my heart that is waiting to meet Hannah. Please, I beg you, do not be silent in your suffering. The statistic is that one in four women will experience a miscarriage. Some will experience more than one. The habit of women is to suffer silently, not wanting to burden those around them with the sadness they're feeling and the emptiness they are falling into. Friend, I feel your pain. I know that ache in your chest that feels like it's become an extension of who you are.
The experience of miscarrying is now forever one of the greatest testimonies to my walk with God. You see, I was born into Christianity. I was raised in church. While others are more skeptical and struggle to believe the words taught through the Bible, it always came naturally to me to trust it. Still, there needed to be a defining moment for me when I really chose it; when I knew, without a doubt, that I was in for life. God is just and He is good. He took my pain and used it to draw me closer to Him, if I would so choose to let it. I distinctly remember a choice. I remember a quickening in my heart that, if it had been any louder, was almost audible. I became very aware that I had to choose one of two things:
despair or
worship. Do I bury myself in my pain and let it consume me? Do I become angry with God and shut him out?
Or do I find the strength to worship
through it? I chose to worship, and God chose to pour out his love and peace into my life. I felt Him more then than I ever had in my life to date.
In my mind, I vividly saw an imagery that has never left me. I won't call it a vision, but it was definitely an image God was planting in my head to strengthen me, then and for forever. In my mind, worship became a weapon, and depression and despair the enemy. I saw a woman, much to brave to be me, clothed in armor and wielding a powerful-looking sword. Each choice to trust was a slash to the enemy. Every word of belief was a stab to it's heart. A warrior, with a tear-streaked face, fighting desperately for her life. The harder she fought, the stronger she became - infused with the Spirit of God and armed with His Word.
You, beautiful woman, are that warrior. You, beloved mother, have a choice. And imagine an army of women, all choosing worship, bound together by our pain.
Please do not hide your story. If you share your experiences, others become brave enough to share theirs. And for them, it might mean freedom they've desperately needed.
He sees you. He knows you. You're never left alone.
I'll fight beside you. I'll worship with you, desperately fighting for your life.
Always,
Laura
