That's a word I've used a few times in the last few days to describe how I'm feeling. Completely unhinged. I hesitate to write this, mostly because I'm someone who would rather keep the ugly off of social media. You know: Don't air your dirty laundry. But here's the deal, I also like to be real. And right now, my real is real ugly.
My husband, Josh, is in Japan right now. That isn't the real ugly part. That's the exciting part. He's preparing the way for all of us to move in early spring. I can't wait. But the moment he left, the second he was gone, the attacks came from all sides.
I currently feel:
Incapable as a mother. Incompetent as a writer. Fake as a worshiper.
For some reason, our kids have let loose every possible strategy to make mommy pull her hair out. Let's be real, kids do that. I won't go into detail, but let's just say every button has been pushed, all my patience has been drained, and I feel unhinged. But that can't be all of it. That can't be the only reason.
I don't like feeling unhinged. In church this morning, I sat in the back. I always sit near the front. I love to worship and I love to listen to our pastor's sermons. I'm a note-taker. I'm a highlighting, reading glasses on, all my attention listener. Today I sat in the back of the sanctuary with a haze around my thoughts. I worshiped during that part of the service, because worship is like breathing to me - a natural response to being alive. But I felt that haze even then. Do you ever feel that? Kind of emotionless.... empty. I'm not particularly soft in the center naturally. Somewhere along the way, I became a fighter. In many way that's been a good thing. But lately, it's steeled my heart. And I don't like it.
I've been examining my heart, trying to understand myself. Am I depressed? I lost a baby a few months ago. The second mid-pregnancy loss in a row. I felt those babies move before they died. Am I grieving? I could be. Are my hormones still balancing? Yes. But I don't think that's it.
Josh is in Japan. Am I missing him. Absolutely. Through the best and through the worst, he is my best friend. When he's gone, I easily feel like I'm operating at 50%. But that's not it either.
That last one IS what drew me to the answer though. When Josh is gone, I feel like I'm operating at 50%. That isn't right. That's completely wrong. Because as much as I love him, Josh isn't my Source... and he'd say the same thing.
Here's what I am realizing. In the last few weeks, I've been neglecting God. I hear His call and I feel His beckon, but he's been brushed aside. And now I'm unhinged.
To me, worship has always been a lifestyle. It has very little to do with the music on Sunday morning, though I love that too. Worship is an attitude. It's a discipline. Worship is a lifeline. It's a daily practice. Worship is like breathing... a natural response to being alive. And I haven't been doing it. The more I've neglected worship, the farther I've fallen down this real ugly spiral. Because to worship is what I was created to do.
"All things have been created through Him and for Him..." Colossians 1:16 ...For Him. It's all for Him. I was created for Him. It has nothing to do with me. Its so so so much bigger than that.
He is the Source and He is the reason. I believe that. God has placed eternity in the hearts of humans. Eternity changes our perspective. It's how I can say goodbye to my babies and still trust Him. It's how I can love people who hurt me. It's how I can admit when I've hurt others and ask for their forgiveness. It's how I can fight for my marriage and fight for my children's futures and write books. He's the whole point. Stray from that, and I'm asking for trouble. Stray from that, and I can't breathe right; can't feel right; can't mother right.
Tonight I'm listening to this one on repeat:
