Meaning.

What makes life meaningful?

I ask this because it's my birthday and that's what you're supposed to do, right? Reflect?

I haven't shared this very often or to too many people, but it's what keeps popping into my head today, so here goes.

Four years ago, we lost a daughter to a mid-pregnancy miscarriage. Technically it was too late in the pregnancy to be called a miscarriage. It was one of the hardest things my husband and I have been through together. I spent 4 days in the hospital and had my first emergency surgery during that stay. Why in the world would I bring this up on a day like today..my birthday???

Because that was one of the most significant times in my walk with God. There have been several times in my 28 years that I've petitioned for God's peace. I've begged and snotted and cried out for it. But that day, the day I couldn't even muster the strength to ask, He breathed His precious Holy Spirit over me and I didn't even have to. He knew I wasn't strong enough. And like a loving Father, he knew what I needed and just met me where I was. It changed my life. Seriously.

You see, I agree that the beautiful, happy, celebratory moments bring so much joy to life. The moments that we spend cuddling our kids and giggling together bring fullness.

But what brings meaning?

I think what brings the most meaning is the nights I spend nursing my sick kids who are puking and crying and need tummy rubs when my eyes don't want to stay open.

I think what brings meaning is the hug that comes after making up from a big fight with your spouse.

I think meaning is long all-nighters working for your dream and persevering even when you're ready to scream so that one day you see it all come to life before your eyes.

Meaning is spending grueling hours working under the hot sun in a garden, to finally one day reap a harvest.

I think meaning is found when you have a complete mental breakdown over health issues that lasts weeks or months and your parents still look at you with respect and understanding in the years following (true story).

Meaning is discovered when the only way you make it through the day is with a silent "Help me..." prayer and you do, day by day, make it.

And I am still finding so much meaning in the fact that in the moment of our biggest loss, God had me. I was safe, tucked in His love, and He didn't make me beg for comfort. He just knew.

Meaning is so often found in the hardest times. Don't despise your struggles and the things that break you down. Allow the process to play out. If you'll cling to God (and by cling I mean holding on desperately until your knuckles turn white and your finger are aching, but you DON'T LET GO) I PROMISE that somewhere down the road He will help you find the meaning in the pain. Doesn't mean He caused it, it means He was there, rooting for you and loving you, and can cause good to come from what was meant to harm you.

He'll give it meaning.